The Top 5 tips for dealing with the social difficulties of infertility.

I'm still in CA and still looking for work.  My husband and I have started looking into adoption and how it works here in Southern CA.  We are still planning to try IVF again, but it never hurts to have more than one option.  The last posting was quite a while ago and I found myself wondering if anyone was even the slightest bit interested in what I had to say.  I know, intellectually, that there are others out there who are suffering through this very same process, and naturally started to question whether it was just me who they weren't interested in hearing from. 

Yesterday I had a great conversation with a friend of mine who offered me some advice.  She suggested that I should keep writing even when I feel that I may have nothing to write about or even when I think no one is interested in what I have to say.  She gave me the much needed boost to prompt me to start writing again.  I sincerely hope that I can help at least one person through her time of need.

So, enough about me, let's talk about you.  What should you do when you think the world as you know it is coming to a halt and starts spinning in the other direction? 

First let’s talk about what that might mean to you.

1. Some of you may have family that is forever asking if you're pregnant yet.  They are usually well meaning and loving people who want the best for you but are just not aware how much pressure and hurt you feel every time you hear that question. 
2. Some of you may have just found out that a loved one has just gotten pregnant (either intended or not) while you are still "trying".  Many times this could lead to feelings of failure and wondering if the forces of life (whatever they may be) are trying to tell you something such as you shouldn't have kids or maybe you wouldn't be a good parent.  First off let me say THAT IS NOT THE CASE.  The mere fact that you are even thinking about the kind of parent you may be shows that you have the potential to be a GREAT parent.
3. Some of you may have just received the news that you are not able to conceive without help whether that be through IVF, IUI or some other means of assistance. 

I'm sure there are some other issues you may be dealing with that I did not include in my much abbreviated list but the following tips are for all of you. 

1. First and foremost take a few moments to stop and think about your current situation.  Is it something you can control or is it completely out of your hands?  Is there something you can do to alter the outcome in the future?  In the first example you can have a conversation with those who know that you are actively trying to get pregnant.  Let them know how you feel when you are asked such questions. Be sure that you are aware of your responses to the various questions and how you handle those situations.  If you know that sometimes you are fine with the questions but other times you are not, set up a way that works for everyone, such as letting them know that you will broach the subject instead of them.  In the second example you should also do a check in with yourself.  What are you feeling in regards to their pregnancy?  It's natural to feel hurt, angry, happiness for them yet sad for your own family.  Once you know how you are feeling about it then determine how you can respond to them without hurting their feelings or being untrue to your own.  If you are caught off guard with the announcement, remember that sometimes it is best to say nothing at all until you are sure how to handle the emotions you are feeling.  A simple "congratulations" would not be amiss.  Finally for those of you in the third example.  If you have just found out that you are not likely to conceive without some sort of assistance - DON'T PANIC.  It's going to be OK.  Read up on the topic and try not to rely on web pages, blogs etc.  Pick up a book and talk to your doctor.  If you can find a group to join or you can ask if you can just sit in one night to get an idea of what's going on.  Get past the shock of knowing it won't be easy and start walking on the path of "what can I do to help this along".  This really isn't the end; it's just the beginning of a new era. 
2. For all of you out there with any situation, educate yourself.  As I mentioned earlier do not just read what's posted on the Internet.  Not everyone has good intentions, not everyone is really interested in helping you the individual.  Some pages are all about selling the latest and greatest diet for infertility or the new pill that will magically make you fertile.  Some are all about preying on your emotions and trying to coerce you into purchasing more pregnancy tests or fertility tests (like that's a hard sell for those of us trying to conceive).  Pick up a book, you don't have to purchase it, you can go to your local library or read it in the bookstore and take a notebook with you to keep track of your last page and notes on items of interest. 
3. The easiest way to educate yourself is to ask your doctor. Find out what they recommend.  Some of them are not that educated on what options you may truly have when it comes to reproductive medicine so if your doctor is limited in his/her knowledge find a specialist.  And remember not all specialists are created equal.  Interview the specialist and ask questions there is a great list of questions in "Infertility for Dummies."  Remember that your doctors are not responsible for getting all of this information to you.  They can educate you only so much the rest is up to you.
4. I would like to mention that if you think you are the only one, remember that there are at least another 7 million women out there in the US alone with impaired ability to have children (based on 2002 statistics from the CDC) and approximately another 250,000 couples in Canada (based on figures from a 2001 report from the Parliamentary Research Branch Library of Parliament PRB00-32E).  You are definitely not the only one.  Your circumstances are likely not very different than someone else's.
5. Talk to your spouse or significant other.  Take the time to talk to each other about how you're feeling and what your plans and hopes are for the future.  Make sure you are on the same page, but don't stop talking about other areas of your life.  It is especially important to talk about mundane things like "hey I found 4 bucks in the laundry" and "did you see what the democratic candidate did on the news this morning?"  Don't forget you are more than a one dimensional being.  Like a diamond you have many facets and the more you have the more you sparkle and shine.

There it is the top 5 tips for socially dealing with infertility.  Hope it helps and I'll write again soon.

Jen