Recent Loss

Recently I found out that a friend had an early pregnancy miscarriage.  I cried for her loss and remembered my own.  I find that this is something that happens to many women.  Age isn't the only factor.  In fact many women don't even know that they are pregnant or were pregnant until the time of the miscarriage. 
Regardless of when you find out, it is important to allow yourself to grieve.  The grieving process doesn't change or not exist simply because you never had the opportunity to bond or meet with your child.  Take a little bit of time to let yourself adjust to what has happened and to accept the loss.  Don't just wave it off as inconsequential.  The most common comment I received after each of my miscarriages was "don't worry you can try again."  To me that always made me feel as though what I had experienced wasn't real or important.  A loss is a loss and no matter how prepared you are for the possibility, the reality is never what you expected it to be.  If you have experienced loss or know someone who has, you should know that someone cares, understands and will give you the room and time to feel your feelings and understand how it affects your life at this moment and in the future. 

Best wishes and love to you all,


Jen

Feeling the pain and looking forward to better times.

I need a hug... make that lots of hugs.

In so many of my posts I have written about maintaining hope and staying positive.  We all know how hard it is to stay positive.  The last couple of days have been difficult for me and I felt that maybe this would be a good time to let you know that my life is not all sunshine and roses.  My mom has been dealing with some health challenges and the big C came up and I freaked.  I'm trying to remain calm and make sure my mom is OK and gets the best information I have over 20 years of experience in admin, sprinkled with some management experience, business ownership experience and lots more.  Unfortunately I'm getting some recruiters treating me like I have nothing to offer and as if I was little more than something stuck to the bottom of their shoe that needs to be scraped off.  I have one recruiter who has taken the time to speak with me and ask some in depth questions and manage to not make me feel like an inexperienced buffoon.  The next layer is coated with some wonderful gluten free foods that I may actually be allergic to.  The sad part is that I made that gluten free food.  I made some pomegranate cupcakes with some premixed gluten free all purpose flour and after eating one I found myself wheezing and struggling to get my lungs full of air.  Needless to say there went my comfort food for this week.  Up went the frustration because I haven't any other comfort food to eat at home.  Now for the topping on this depressingly sad cake - I'm feeling that need for children again (not that it ever really went away); unfortunately right now it is a constant ache that has come to the forefront.  I find myself in tears and saddened for my losses and for all that we could have and offer to a child.  With my mind going in so many different directions I find it hard to find the positive attitude that so often is a part of who I am.  I know that things will get better and that this too shall pass, however, it is little comfort to me now. 

Here's to all of you who are lost in the maze of hurt and still seeking a way out.  Let's forget about the party once we get out of this maze of horror and start one right now.  Anyone willing to celebrate the good times of the past and the good time to come now while we are quite unhappy sound off.  let me know and we can celebrate together.

Here's looking forward,

Jen

PCOS, Infertility and Dieting. Oh My!!

So as you all know I've wanted to get pregnant for a while now (about 10 yrs) and while it still has not happened I am yet again a bit more hopeful.  I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) about seven or eight years ago.  I have almost always had irregular menstrual cycles. When I was in high school I remember I would get my period for Christmas break and just in time for summer break.  That was the good news.  The bad news was I would have it for about 4-6 weeks long.  I went on birth control pills when I was about 17 yrs old to regulate my cycles.  That worked until I decided to get married.  When my husband and I first got engaged I decided to dump the pills and hope for the best.  After three years of nothing happening I got worried.  It was then I was diagnosed with PCOS.  When I asked my doctor what this meant for our chances of getting pregnant he said not to worry it will happen.  He suggested I lose some weight and keep trying.  A year later I still had not lost the weight (I did try) and I wasn't pregnant either.  I began to lose hope, while at the same time I was attempting to reprogram my thoughts to believe that it would happen at the right time.  I started infertility treatments in 2007 which led to 4 miscarriages and 1 half term pregnancy.  We lost our little Lilly at 21 and 1/2 weeks.  She was with us for 45 minutes.  In 2009 I found that a company my husband and I work with started offering a DNA test that tells you what type of weight loss program works best for you and what type of exercise program works best for you all based on your DNA test results.  I took the test in January of this year and received the results soon after.  (I just had to swab the inside of my mouth and send it back to the company)  It suggested that all the low carbohydrate diets I had attempted were not best for me.  I was told that my body is more responsive to a fat trimmer diet and that I would also be more responsive to high intensity exercise.  I was thrilled to have that information and was eager to get to work, only I didn't know where to start or what to do.  So I attempted to pull some fat out of my diet by cutting back on fried foods and red meats.  I did OK with that for about 2-3 weeks.  Since I was still recovering from losing our daughter, I was still having ups and downs emotionally.  It was during one of the down times that I stopped following the diet.  I started to question my worth as a woman, a human and a mother. 

With the diet blown, once again I was in failure land.  How much of a failure am I when I can’t get pregnant and carry full term, can’t stick to a diet, can’t lose weight etc., etc., etc.? With all of these thoughts of failure my husband suggested I read a book called “Failing Forward,” by John C. Maxwell.

While Mr. Maxwell has a tendency to be a bit preachy, I always manage to look past that to what the real message behind the message is. 

For me, the message was just because I fail doesn’t make me a failure.  If I stop trying, that makes me a failure.  He has lots of examples and many other messages in the book; that just happened to be the take home message for me.  Again while I don’t necessarily subscribe to his brand of religion, there is still a very important take home message whatever your belief system may be. 

After reading this book I started to feel a little bit better about myself and started to see things in a new light.  I think what it really came down to was what kind of belief I had in myself, my life, my husband, and the world around me.  I found that I believe in things that are bigger than me and I am sure that I have a purpose in life.  Then I had to dig a little deeper to figure out what that meant for me in terms of having a family that is bigger than just the two of us.  So let’s fast forward a little bit to 2010.  It’s fall of 2010 and as usual I’m reading a book, several blogs, etc. I start to question if there is a link for me with wheat sensitivities.  I started to read on the Internet, books I picked up at the store, booklets about gluten free living at the grocery store, etc. and I found enough evidence for me to question if it is enough for me to make the change in my life.  Well it seems like gluten sensitivities can lead to all sorts of problems, one of which is difficulties in conceiving and carrying full term.  That alone helped me to make the decision to stop eating gluten products.  So now I’ve been gluten – free for about 4 weeks. 

Since I’m currently staying with friends and not at my place I didn’t have a scale to weigh myself until about a week ago.  Between then and today I’ve lost about 2.6 lbs. I’ve been eating gluten free yet still have the ability to eat popcorn, chips (healthier version of what you get at the regular supermarket), the occasional soda (I just found some sweetened with agave nectar very yummy!!).  So I really haven’t been too careful about the weight issue but I have been quite cautious about the gluten.  I have also attempted to stay away from sugar substitutes (chemical versions I guess)  The only ones I’m really allowing in my diet are Stevia and agave nectar.  I also invested in an exercise program that doesn’t need lots of extra equipment of gym membership and it’s not one that just says walk for 30 minutes 3 times a day.  I’ve opted for working with Sean Foy’s book that shows you exercises you can do at home, on the road, outdoors, at work, etc.  with minimal need for equipment.  At this point I’ve just been reading his information which breaks down the science of the 10 minute workout.  The workout consists of 4 minutes High intensity aerobic training, 3 minutes resistance training, 2 minutes of core training (abdominal, hip and back), and 1 minute of stretching and breathing to restore the resting heart rate, with no breaks in between.

I’ve done Sean’s workout before and have enjoyed it thoroughly but I only had one set routine that I saw.  I now have access to many different exercises and can change it up as I feel able.  About 3 days ago I was able to fit into a pair of jeans that I couldn’t fit into 3 weeks ago.  I miraculously started a period about a week into going gluten free.  My doctor thinks there may be a connection but it’s still too soon to tell.  When I asked him about the connection or possible connection, he mentioned that with PCOS comes the problem of insulin resistance and that is affected by the simple carbohydrates like bread, cookies, cakes, etc.  While I know that I have still managed to have some of those things in extreme moderation, none of them have had gluten in them.   This is all new to me and gives me lots of hope for what’s to come.  I’ll keep you updated as things improve or not. ;) 

PCOS and Infertility

Here is a link regarding PCOS and it's affects on infertility. Check it out there is also an additional article regarding questions to ask if you are diagnosed with PCOS.

http://www.resolve.org/diagnosis-management/infertility-diagnosis/polycystic-ovarian-syndrome.html

More diet success....

I failed to mention the other day about the clearing up of most of the rosacea problems I've had for the last 2 years. Yay!!!! I'm not red anymore. :) I'll post before and after pictures in a little while.

Believe video

The following is a link to a video about keeping the hope when struggling with infertility. I love it! Let me know what you think.

New Diet Success so far - No wheat too many carbs?

A few weeks ago I mentioned that I was looking into some basic diets for infertility.  Along the way I had a moment when I thought, "hey, I might have a wheat sensitivity."  So I started looking into what that means and how it potentially affects me.  What I found was that there is a correlation between wheat sensitivity and rosacea, digestive problems, weight fluctuation, abdominal pain, bloating, bowel disorders, colitis, constipation, diarrhea, flatulence, IBS, stomach cramping, drowsiness, food cravings, infection susceptibility, lethargy, mouth ulcers, edema, infertility, menstrual disorders, miscarriage, urinary tract infection, anemia, iron deficiency, mineral deficiency, arthritis, bone density loss, joint pain/swelling, muscular aches, neck pain, rheumatic pain, autism, behavioral problems, depression, headaches, learning disability, mental confusion, migraines, poor memory, asthma, breathlessness, bronchitis, cough, ear infections, itchy nose, nasal congestion, post nasal drip, rhinitis, sensitivity to chemicals, snoring and sleep apnea, wheezing, dermatitis herpetiformis, eczema, fungal infection (skin and nails), hives, itchy flaking skin, psoriasis, rashes, itchy watery blisters and I'm sure there are more items that could be added to this list.
After looking at that huge list, remember that any one of those items could be just a simple issue and may not be a food allergy/sensitivity at all. 
I also read a blog by Cindy Baily at http://www.fertilekitchen.com/.  In her blog she mentions that wheat and dairy are two of the most difficult foods to digest.  She feels that they should be removed from the diet of someone trying to conceive.  This news just added to my decision to try a wheat free diet. (Personally I think it is best to try to remove only one item at a time for better results.)

So, it has been 2 weeks since I started avoiding wheat products.  In this time I have managed to a) get a period and b) feel less bloated.

These are just about miracle results for me.  I have had multiple dnc’s over the last 3 years and several attempts at chemical dnc’s with pretty much no luck in having a regular period.   This started just as I began to avoid wheat products.  The shocker for me was (believe it or not) that flour is wheat!    I feel incredibly dim witted not knowing that all purpose flour is a wheat product.  That made me feel as though pulling wheat out of my diet entirely (or at least 90+%) would be impossible.  I was at a local grocery store that has a great selection of gluten-free products and cookbooks and found lots of recipes online as well.  Fear not cupcakes and cereal are still on the menu.

The problem comes in when I realize how many carbs I’m ingesting in a single sitting because I’m on the search for carbs that are not gluten rich.   So now my new concern is making the gluten free diet fit in with healthy balanced meals throughout the day.  I’ll write back as I figure out more things. J

Jen

Video clip

I am so excited today to see that my fertility specialist, Dr. Sher was on the news out in Las Vegas. I wanted to share this clip with you all as well as suggest you listen to what Tracy, the mom to be on this clip, has to say about fertility treatments. :)  enjoy!

The Top 5 tips for dealing with the social difficulties of infertility.

I'm still in CA and still looking for work.  My husband and I have started looking into adoption and how it works here in Southern CA.  We are still planning to try IVF again, but it never hurts to have more than one option.  The last posting was quite a while ago and I found myself wondering if anyone was even the slightest bit interested in what I had to say.  I know, intellectually, that there are others out there who are suffering through this very same process, and naturally started to question whether it was just me who they weren't interested in hearing from. 

Yesterday I had a great conversation with a friend of mine who offered me some advice.  She suggested that I should keep writing even when I feel that I may have nothing to write about or even when I think no one is interested in what I have to say.  She gave me the much needed boost to prompt me to start writing again.  I sincerely hope that I can help at least one person through her time of need.

So, enough about me, let's talk about you.  What should you do when you think the world as you know it is coming to a halt and starts spinning in the other direction? 

First let’s talk about what that might mean to you.

1. Some of you may have family that is forever asking if you're pregnant yet.  They are usually well meaning and loving people who want the best for you but are just not aware how much pressure and hurt you feel every time you hear that question. 
2. Some of you may have just found out that a loved one has just gotten pregnant (either intended or not) while you are still "trying".  Many times this could lead to feelings of failure and wondering if the forces of life (whatever they may be) are trying to tell you something such as you shouldn't have kids or maybe you wouldn't be a good parent.  First off let me say THAT IS NOT THE CASE.  The mere fact that you are even thinking about the kind of parent you may be shows that you have the potential to be a GREAT parent.
3. Some of you may have just received the news that you are not able to conceive without help whether that be through IVF, IUI or some other means of assistance. 

I'm sure there are some other issues you may be dealing with that I did not include in my much abbreviated list but the following tips are for all of you. 

1. First and foremost take a few moments to stop and think about your current situation.  Is it something you can control or is it completely out of your hands?  Is there something you can do to alter the outcome in the future?  In the first example you can have a conversation with those who know that you are actively trying to get pregnant.  Let them know how you feel when you are asked such questions. Be sure that you are aware of your responses to the various questions and how you handle those situations.  If you know that sometimes you are fine with the questions but other times you are not, set up a way that works for everyone, such as letting them know that you will broach the subject instead of them.  In the second example you should also do a check in with yourself.  What are you feeling in regards to their pregnancy?  It's natural to feel hurt, angry, happiness for them yet sad for your own family.  Once you know how you are feeling about it then determine how you can respond to them without hurting their feelings or being untrue to your own.  If you are caught off guard with the announcement, remember that sometimes it is best to say nothing at all until you are sure how to handle the emotions you are feeling.  A simple "congratulations" would not be amiss.  Finally for those of you in the third example.  If you have just found out that you are not likely to conceive without some sort of assistance - DON'T PANIC.  It's going to be OK.  Read up on the topic and try not to rely on web pages, blogs etc.  Pick up a book and talk to your doctor.  If you can find a group to join or you can ask if you can just sit in one night to get an idea of what's going on.  Get past the shock of knowing it won't be easy and start walking on the path of "what can I do to help this along".  This really isn't the end; it's just the beginning of a new era. 
2. For all of you out there with any situation, educate yourself.  As I mentioned earlier do not just read what's posted on the Internet.  Not everyone has good intentions, not everyone is really interested in helping you the individual.  Some pages are all about selling the latest and greatest diet for infertility or the new pill that will magically make you fertile.  Some are all about preying on your emotions and trying to coerce you into purchasing more pregnancy tests or fertility tests (like that's a hard sell for those of us trying to conceive).  Pick up a book, you don't have to purchase it, you can go to your local library or read it in the bookstore and take a notebook with you to keep track of your last page and notes on items of interest. 
3. The easiest way to educate yourself is to ask your doctor. Find out what they recommend.  Some of them are not that educated on what options you may truly have when it comes to reproductive medicine so if your doctor is limited in his/her knowledge find a specialist.  And remember not all specialists are created equal.  Interview the specialist and ask questions there is a great list of questions in "Infertility for Dummies."  Remember that your doctors are not responsible for getting all of this information to you.  They can educate you only so much the rest is up to you.
4. I would like to mention that if you think you are the only one, remember that there are at least another 7 million women out there in the US alone with impaired ability to have children (based on 2002 statistics from the CDC) and approximately another 250,000 couples in Canada (based on figures from a 2001 report from the Parliamentary Research Branch Library of Parliament PRB00-32E).  You are definitely not the only one.  Your circumstances are likely not very different than someone else's.
5. Talk to your spouse or significant other.  Take the time to talk to each other about how you're feeling and what your plans and hopes are for the future.  Make sure you are on the same page, but don't stop talking about other areas of your life.  It is especially important to talk about mundane things like "hey I found 4 bucks in the laundry" and "did you see what the democratic candidate did on the news this morning?"  Don't forget you are more than a one dimensional being.  Like a diamond you have many facets and the more you have the more you sparkle and shine.

There it is the top 5 tips for socially dealing with infertility.  Hope it helps and I'll write again soon.

Jen

musings

I've been staying at a friend's house the last few weeks while I look for work here in CA.  I don't have cable or TV set up at home because I really feel that there are better things  I should be doing with my time.  Now that doesn't stop me from watching television programs online, just watching them at the specific time slot the network assigns.  So while here I was flipping through channels and saw some video footage on the news about a man who killed his child.  These people infuriate me.  The idea that you would shoot your own child is so appalling to me, I don't think that I ever really thought about it until that moment.  It saddens me to think that so many of us who would love and cherish our children, could we have them miss out on the opportunity to love and watch a child grow,while people like this man, can have all the children he wants and cares so little he kills his child.

Another moment of watching TV brought me to TLC.  This was an episode of "I didn't know I was pregnant."  First off that's kind of interesting, not to know you are pregnant, but I do know that it is possible.  What got me was that the woman had PCOS and told her husband that she couldn't get pregnant.  There is a big difference between "I can't get pregnant," and "it's not likely that I'll get pregnant."  OK so to those of you out there that are not quite sure how sane I am when I make a statement like that, I have to say it may be a question of semantics to you but to those of us struggling with hope it is worlds different.  To tell me I can't get pregnant is blatantly incorrect.  I've been pregnant, I've miscarried, I've given birth.  It is just more difficult for me to get pregnant without assistance. I think this episode may be misleading to those who either just found out they have PCOS, or have known and are still trying to understand what it means to them long term.  It might give them the idea that this one woman was special and it won't or can't happen to them.  that isn't necessarily true.  My doctors have been wrong about so many things with me they have stopped assuming what the problem is and have moved on to looking for definitive answers where they can find them.    Hope is out there for all of us.  These two instances of TV watching leads me to question if what my grandmother used to say is right... television rots the brain.  Good night to all of you and I hope to write again soon. 

Jen

Greetings from the opposite coast :)

Hi folks, it's been a crazy couple of days.  I am now in San Diego and I'm so happy to be here.  Things will still be crazy for the next week or so, but it's a good crazy.  So in regards to previous posts I have some information regarding pcos, dieting and infertility. 

So here's the very bare-bones gist of the recommended diets for those of us with pcos, a few pounds to lose and struggling with infertility:  Eat lots of complex carbohydrates - e.g. kale, spinach, lettuce, peppers any kind of vegetable, yes including potatoes.  The trick is to buy organic when you can and as fresh as you can find.  Eat plenty of  protein as well. Balance out your meals but limit or eliminate your intake of foods made with flour, sugar or other simple carbs.  It turns out that if you lose just a few pounds you could increase your likelihood of conceiving.  Seems like a fair trade to me..

Well folks I'm struggling to stay awake with the time change so it's time for me to hit the hay. 

hugs and love to you all.

Jen

I think I need a hug!

When I got pregnant with Lilly I also got rosacea. When I lost Lilly the rosacea stayed.  It has been one year and 7 months since losing my daughter but the rosacea is still with me.  I thought this was a permanent (or long time) reminder of my failure.  As it turns out,this is not a reflection of my failure (duh!)  it's just my hormones still settling after pregnancy.  The fact that I was still getting pumped up with hormones a year ago when I had my last miscarriage never even occurred to me.  After speaking with a skin care representative yesterday  I realized that wow it really hasn't been that long and my body changes slowly.  So as the rosacea slowly starts to clear up and I start to look more and more like a woman again I am reminded that I need to give myself a break in so many little ways that I haven't been.  I know, how corny is that to get lessons about my life (bigger picture stuff) from skin care issues.  It all comes back to the macrocosm is a reflection of the microcosm and the microcosm is a reflection of the macrocosm.  (sigh)  I don't expect most people to get  what I'm saying but I do and that's enough for now. 

Long story short, too late I know... treat yourself with the same respect you would another who has gone through what you have.  Hug yourself, love yourself and you'll see the sun shining even when it's raining. 

Hugs and love to you all,


Jen

News and notes

So here I am in Atlanta and it has been a long trip down here.   I tried to get in as many opportunities to walk on the way down, if for no other reason than to keep myself active and not get super stiff.  I'm still working out the details of the diet I need to follow and will keep you updated as I go.

On other news today...  I know that the clinic I used for IVF had a fantastic program that allowed us to do up to 3 transfers and if it did not result in pregnancy we be refunded.  It seemed like a great opportunity and I was surprised that other clinics were not offering something similar.  Well it turns out that there are quite a few clinics offering a refund program or some other financial assistance.  This is great news for those who do not have insurance coverage for IVF.  The name of the program is Attain IVF.  If the doctors affiliated with that program are not near you or who you want to work with, check out http://www.haveababy.com/ the Sher Institute of Reprodutive Medicine.  I worked with the Sher Institute for my retrievals and transfers.  The doctors and staff are amazing; they are friendly and knowledgable.  I felt truly safe and comfortable. 

Another helpful website is http://www.theafa.org/  a great resource for infertility prevention, reproductive health and family building.  I have been following their articles for the last year and there is always something relevent and useful no matter your situation.

For another source that offers lots of great information with a fair amount of advertisement check out http://www.conceiveonline.com/.

I'll be at a conference most of the weekend and probably won't post until either Monday or Tuesday.  Enjoy!!

Jen

What have I done for me lately??

So it’s almost a year since my last miscarriage and I started to take stock of all the changes I have made.

1. I’m unemployed (not by choice) company downsized.

2. I’ve gained 14 lbs.

3. I’ve made progress in working through my emotional pains that the last few years have brought me.

4. I am doing more for myself and others spiritually (e.g. worshipping more, volunteering, helping others etc.).

5. I am getting out of my apartment more

6. I am exercising more.

7. I have looked into what would need to be done for adoption.



So while I’ve made some progress I haven’t really improved my chance at having children. The exercise and getting out are recent, the weight gain not so much. After writing up this list I’ve decided to revisit the so called elephant in the room… at this point if feels as though I’m the elephant.

For most of my life I have been gaining weight as a means of protection. I have been, on several occasions attacked by either people I know or someone I just met (he came with a recommendation from my boss go figure). I am frustrated with not being able to do so many of the things I want to do. I enjoy kayaking, canoeing, dancing and would love to try riding on a zip line at some point. But at well over 250 lbs I’m not sure that would be as fun or as safe for me. I have been trying to hide behind my weight, while simultaneously hiding my weight from others (as though that were possible).

I’ve spent most of my life on one diet or another. It seems as though no matter what diet I try it’s not the right one for me or it’s not the right time or pick just about any other excuse. Yes, a person should be ready to make a commitment to themselves when they start a diet and they should do the research ahead of time and be sure it is something they can commit to, but it just seems so easy to say “I’m on a diet” and follow that up six weeks later with “oh that diet wasn’t for me” or “I just wasn’t ready to start yet, next Monday I’ll start.” It has to stop somewhere is that when I reach 300 lbs or when I reach 40 years old and become accountable to myself or better yet when I have kids then I’ll be good. I have to stop and call it as I see it… they are excuses that have no bearing in reality.

So this is me taking my first steps into reality in many years. It is September 7, 2010 and I’ve been researching diets that are not only specific to my needs but those that offer me the best solution to real life living. I’ve essentially been combining the foundation posts of several different diets that truly operate in the real world with real food. I do not want to have prepackaged meals, have to eat at specific restaurants or take some sort of supplement that I’ve never heard of. I want to do activities that fit into my schedule that I can make priority and not lose anything else in my day. I want to set goals for myself that I am capable of meeting. I don’t want to say “I need to lose 30 pounds by November” because I have no control over the actual weight loss. I do have control over the amount and type of exercise I do and when I do it. I have control over the types of food, quantity and times I eat. I’ve spent most of this morning and last night writing out a diet that I think will work for me. I’m not suggesting that anyone follow it, in fact, please don’t. This is something you need to do for yourself. If you have been struggling to lose weight and have PCOS, I’ll post what some of my most basic findings are. All you have to do is take some time to figure out what it is you need to help you change your exercise and eating habits. Hugs to all who need them. Keep staying positive and know that you have the power to change your life; you just have to want to change it.

Jen

My story part 3 – How deep is your well?

In April of 2008 my father passed away. He seemed to have been doing well, we were joking around with him that morning as he was heading to surgery. That evening after a long day of trying to stay alive my father finally found peace. The rest of us were only just starting out with our fight. It was a fight for understanding, acceptance and the ability to move forward. In late May I had another transfer and was waiting to find out the results. In the first week of June I found that I was pregnant. A week later my grandmother (dad’s mom) passed away and two days later I miscarried. With so much loss and heartbreak, I wasn’t sure I could even see five minutes ahead of me, let alone see any further into the future. I was hurt and unable to put into words how hurt I was. I’m not sure if I can even express all that I was feeling then except to say that I was numb and it was almost like being in shock. I would think about all that had happened. All of the loss was foremost on my mind, but out of habit maybe I had to start looking towards my next goal. Sometimes my next goal was getting showered, writing thank you notes to all of the people who had so lovingly sent their condolences, or even just getting up in the morning or afternoon as it sometimes was. Once I was getting up on a regular basis and getting work done and generally just being productive again, I started to look towards the next step. For me the next step in my life was again trying to have children, so I went back to the doctor and planned another transfer and retrieval.

We tweaked some of my meds, did egg retrieval and a transfer about six days later. I was still a bit numb and afraid to expect anything positive at this point. Fortunately for me, hope springs eternal as they say. I have always had hope no matter what the situation or circumstances. In this case my hopes came true. I found out I was pregnant and refused to expect to go to term. By the time I was 8 weeks pregnant I had four doctors: the perinatologist, my OB/GYN, my endocrinologist and of course my fertility specialist. I was visiting doctors at least 2 times per week. All the doctors told me everything looked normal and I was doing exceptionally well. I still had a hard time connecting with my child. I was afraid to talk to her/him because history told me it would not last. I hoped and prayed that everything would be ok. Once we made it to 20 weeks I was sure everything was great because we made it to the half-way mark. At half way through week 22 I started to feel some odd pains. I mean come on now let’s face it, for those of us who have never made it this far in a pregnancy before, they are all odd pains. Well I went to the doctor’s office and everything seemed fine. About 12 hours later I was on my way to the hospital. Apparently I was in labor. An ultrasound showed that I was too far along to stop anything and the baby’s heart beat was erratic. They didn’t expect her to be born alive.

After another 10 hours of amazing adventurous experiences in the labor and delivery process, I heard the most joyous sound ever made. My daughter cried. When she was handed to me I saw how small she was. She was beautiful and struggled through every minute she was with us trying to breathe. She lost her fight not even one hour later. I am so thankful that we had the chance to meet her and hold her and tell her how much we loved her. I felt her love too and am incredibly thankful for that as well. Most of the doctors and nurses that day could not understand that I was happy to have had the opportunity to meet my precious baby girl. The expected the grief to override all other feelings. How could I let grief hang over such a glorious moment?

It took a long time to come to terms with our loss, deal with our anger, frustration and hurt. I’m still not over it but I can continue with my life and do more than I was doing simply because she’ll never have the option to do the things I can.

We tried once more IVF transfer. That too, ended in miscarriage and D & C. We are currently in month 12 of our year off. I’m thinking maybe a few more months and some more pounds before we try again.

When I ask how deep your well is, what I’m referring to is your well of hope and expectation. How passionate is your dream to have children? What are you willing to do? What will you do? Once you have your diagnosis from your doctor, do you say that’s it I’m infertile I can’t have kids so forget it? Are you the type of person to walk away from all that you can have simply because it’s too hard or someone said you can’t do it? I’m not. The way I see it – you can still have kids no matter what. If you have a uterus but no ovaries, you can get the eggs from someone else. If you have no uterus but still have ovaries you can have your eggs (embryos actually) put into what I call the royalty of babysitters a surrogate. Don’t have either – someone else can donate eggs and a uterus in what is the ultra royalty of babysitting; a gestational carrier and donor. There are so many options out there in this day and age and if none of these strike your fancy there is always the option to adopt a child who needs someone to care for and love them not just in words but action too. Dig your well and see where it takes you.

In my heart I know that I will one day have children at home to love and care for.  I am still working hard to make that a reality.

Hi will you be my friend?

So today's post will be a short one (I hope).  I'd like to take a moment to not just sit tell my story to all of you who are reading.  I'd like to take this time to ask you what's going on?  How's your day?  Are you struggling with something that you need to get off your chest?  If so, or if you just have questions that need help finding answers to, I'm here.  Life throws us curve balls all the time.  Not everyone gets the pain, the confusion, the frustration.  Most don't even understand the question let alone know how to help you find answers.  I'll do my best to help just let me know if you need something.  If you have questions or comments and don't want to post, but would like to keep it private feel free to email me at jpotterblog@gmail.com  :)  I hope to hear from you soon.

Jen

A note about finding the humor in mundane things ;)

Over the last few posts I realized how depressing my posts are. I know, I know. The subject is depressing… well not all of it was. Here are a few quick stories from our IVF experience. Please feel free to laugh.


For our first retrieval cycle we went to Las Vegas. Not to gamble but because that’s where the doctor’s office was. At this point I was feeling incredibly swollen and uncomfortable and we really hadn’t thought out our plan for the stay very well. The car we rented smelled like wet dog and cigarette smoke rolled up with some sort of air freshener. I actually got sick to my stomach every time I sat in the car. We decided to go cheap so we stayed at a little casino/hotel on the strip for everyday before retrieval and booked the remainder of the trip with our time share condo. Going into the O.R. for retrieval I was nervous as most people in that situation would be. Then my anesthesiologist came in and life was great. Turns out I had about 50 follicles. I didn’t feel the pain until about 2 hours after I left the doctor’s office. And boy did I feel uncomfortable. I felt as though I had swollen to twice my normal size. The road we had to take to get to the condo was under construction so we hit more potholes than I had ever seen put together. Every bump and jostle was exaggerated exponentially. (I was asked to let you all know that I was not actually writhing in pain I was actually still feeling ok from the drugs, I just felt huge.  I laughed so hard as my husband apologized for every bump we hit that I actually had tears streaming down my face.) My poor husband tried to do so much to make it more comfortable for me. It took us 20 minutes to navigate the driveway and parking lot and that’s before I even got out of the car. ;)

By day 2 I thought there was something wrong with me and called the doctor thinking I was going to die. When I saw him he did an ultrasound and asked me some questions and told me that my ovaries were “about this big” (putting his hands about 5 ½ “apart). Apparently poking at your ovaries causes them to swell. Who’d have thunk? Feeling emotionally relieved we went back to the condo and I drank lots of water and some Gatorade. The next day I felt worse yet and it wasn’t until I threw up that I felt better. Ahhh, peace at last.

Ok so maybe that wasn’t as funny as it could have been in the retelling of it but as I sit and think about all the things that happened on that trip, how naïve I was and how far I’ve come since I can’t help but laugh.

So here’s another I’ll never forget…

We were back in Las Vegas for a transfer. We finally figured out we could rent an efficiency apt. for lots less than a hotel room and hey there’s a kitchen so we can save on eating out. Two days after the transfer we were on our way to San Diego to visit some friends. While we were heading out of Vegas, I realized it was almost time for one of my shots. I told my husband and he pulled over at a Del Taco by the huge thermometer on the road out of town. We both go in to wash up, I go back to the car to find that he has a large cola, a quesadilla, and a taco. I thought maybe he’s just hungry. So I ask him how we are going to administer the shot (it was an intramuscular shot to the backside). He says “let’s ice it up while I get the shot prepped” and he hands me the cola. I looked at it and looked at him and thought hmm I guess that could work. I put the cup to my backside and after about 5 minutes noticed I was not getting numb just wet from the condensation. I let him know that it’s not working and he says “just put it between your pants and your behind that should make it numb.” I raise my eyebrows at him and roll my eyes but figure well I don’t have many options. So in the pants goes the soda. He then opens the back of the rental SUV and tells me to bend over and drop my pants. Let me remind you that we are in a parking lot of a fast food restaurant that overlooks interstate 15. I pull the soda out so I don’t wear it, put it back in the cup holder and bend over the back seat. I drop my pants a couple of inches trying desperately to cling to some bit of modesty. My husband grabs my pants and pulls them down farther so they almost fall off. He apparently could not reach the spot for the injection with my pants in the way. He wipes the spot with the alcohol prep, slaps the spot, and jabs me in the rear with the injection. Being the big baby I am I started crying and I’m embarrassed to say wailing. Meanwhile people are still pulling into the parking lot and getting their Mexican food and driving off again heedless of my screams. My husband pulls out the needle and slaps the quesadilla on my behind, then pulls up my pants to hold it in place. (I was wondering where he got the heating pad and why it was wrapped in paper.) When we got in the car and started to drive off I realized the quesadilla was in my pants and through sniffles and tears from what I deemed mistreatment of a daily ritual (my shots) I said, “I want a chai.” I sniffed some more and my husband denied me nothing. ;) chai lattes from Starbucks are my true beverage weakness. We laugh about that evening whenever we see a Del Taco, a quesadilla or think about Las Vegas. Hehe.. hugs to you all and hope enjoyed my stories. No matter how crazy things get we still find silly things to laugh about.

My story part 2 - Am I a failure?

Feeling as though I had failed in so many ways as a wife and woman I thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse. In 2005 my mom called to tell me that my dad was not doing too well and that we should come out to NJ to spend time with him. This had been an ongoing struggle of my family wanting me to leave California and move back to New Jersey. With mom’s call I knew dad wasn’t going to live much longer. We packed up our belongings, rented our house and moved to New Jersey within 3 months of that call. Dad seemed to improve health wise, but for every step forward he took two steps back. It was tough to watch. About six months after we arrived in New Jersey, my grandmother started showing signs of worsening Alzheimer’s. She wound up living in my parents’ home and needed full time care. With all the stress of worry for my dad and Grammy I still couldn’t shift my focus away from wanting a baby. I felt that I was a failure because I couldn’t have the children that everyone around me seemed to just pop out at 10 month intervals. It was around December of 2006 when a doctor friend of ours from California came out to visit and suggested that we get in touch with a doctor who specializes in fertility struggles. I wasn’t sure I was ready to outwardly admit defeat and it took me about a month to call him. Doctor Sher is a force to be reckoned with. Once I called and made an appointment for a phone consult things started to move fairly quickly. We went into the NY office and had all kinds of testing done. Once the results were in he called us and went over all of it. He told us that it was unlikely for us to get pregnant without some form of intervention. See, I feel it’s all in the way you say it. He never told us it was impossible, he didn’t tell me I was infertile, he didn’t say I was a barren as the Sahara. He simply said it was unlikely. By not trying to take away my hope he boosted my spirits 60 times what they were simply by letting me feel that it was possible for me to get pregnant and have a baby. He explained that my ovaries were pretty much abusing the eggs I did produce and that it would be difficult to find healthy eggs to retrieve. I really don’t believe that I need to understand the clinical explanation of all that was going on with me as long as I have a way of understanding it that makes sense to me I’m ready to move on. So that March we travelled out to Las Vegas where he had an office and his lab at the time. We spent about 10 days there. Stress was high, we didn’t know exactly what to expect. Would it hurt? How would my body react? I was scared. My ovaries produced something around 50 eggs. Of those eggs only 25 made it through primary testing. Of the 25 only about 10 made it to secondary testing and of that only 3 made it to the 3rd stage of testing. We were on the road heading back to New Jersey, driving through Arizona I think when we got the call that none of the embryos were viable for transfer. I was devastated. I had failed again. The doctor called me a couple of days later and suggested that I take some time to relax de-stress and try again in a few months. I agreed and took off on a girl’s trip to get my mind in a better place. I had arrived in New Jersey, had time to unpack, do laundry and repack. 2 days after arriving I was in the van and on my way to meet a friend in San Antonio. She was house-sitting for her folks. We spent a few days in San Antonio, and then drove off to New Orleans. I guess I was looking for spiritual guidance, someone to tell me that things would happen, a way to keep the hope alive. I got that from a palm reader in the pedestrian mall. His words weather accurate or not helped me to continue to move on and move forward. He said I had the ability to have 6 children (we’ll see what that pans out to be in the future). In the meantime I could begin to feel that life wasn’t over and I was worthy of living life and enjoying myself.
In August of 2007 I went back to Las Vegas for another attempt at retrieval. This time we were successful. We had 3 embryos that were deemed healthy. We went back for the transfer in November and returned home to await the news. Two weeks later I had blood tests run and found that we were pregnant, most likely with twins. My husband was so nervous he was sick to his stomach. I was so thrilled nothing could bring me down. I knew we were not in the clear yet so I tried to maintain some perspective.

By the time I was 7 weeks pregnant I was as proud as a peacock. At eight weeks I miscarried and thought the world was ending. My husband and I cried and held each other. The doctor gave us some comforting words and still more hope. My dad was still with us then and he too was devastated as were the rest of the family. We took some time to go through a mourning period, unfortunately it coincided with Christmas. After what seemed like forever, drowning in a dark lake, I felt that my head was finally above water. That first cool breath of fresh air and rational thoughts had me thinking practically. What do I do now? Where do I go next? Is my husband ok? Am I ok? In those first few moments of taking stock of my current situation, I discovered that I had not actually done anything to help either myself or anyone else up until then. I had to be proactive and that was going to take a plan of some sort. I spoke to the doctor after discussing this with my husband and we decided to try again after a few months (in total – including the mourning time) of rest. I needed to get myself physically and psychologically ready to face whatever might come next. This I learned was me not failing. Failing would have been giving up and never trying again.  

    A note about failure: I still struggle with failure almost daily.  I question my worth in so many little ways.  Like so many others out there these days, I too and looking for employment.  I've been working on updating my resume and looking at job postings all over the web.  All day today I've been wondering how my resume can look so boring when I am so sure that I can succeed at almost any job given the opportunity.  I find myself continually returning to a book that really helps me to record over the negative voices in my head.  The book is John Maxwell's Failing Forward.  He taught me that just because I may fail at something once, twice or even 10 times, I'm not a failure until I give up hope and learn nothing from those failures.    Failure really is a state of mind. 

My Story - Part one

     Ever since I can remember I have wanted to have children. When I was 17 years old I was having some trouble with my monthly cycle or lack thereof. When I saw the doctor he said that it sometimes happens to people, but if it really bothered me he would either burn holes in my ovaries or cut slices of them out. He said that would regulate me for a short while but he didn’t think it would be an issue since I was too young to think about having a family. After a long period of thought (about 3 seconds) and some in depth questions to my doctor about the health of my ovaries (according to him there was no problem with my ovaries) I decided to decline any type of surgery. I opted instead to do what so many other girls with the same problems do; I went on birth control pills. Twelve years later, I was still on birth control and about to be married. I figured let’s get things rolling and see what happens without the pills. So about four months before the wedding, I stopped taking the pills, and wonder of wonders my period never came. I remember going to a new OB/GYN and telling him what had been happening with me on my road to happy family so far. I was in his office bawling my eyes out begging him for a plan of some sort to help me get pregnant. I asked him what I could do to help me get pregnant. Should I lose weight? If so, what should I do to lose it? Should I take some sort of medicine? Is there a pill I can take that will help the burning need to have children subside for just a little while so that I could focus on the things to make that happen. He consoled me and told me that he understood. He then suggested a few different pills specifically for diabetics (I was not diabetic) as those have had a history of helping women to conceive. I tried the pills and found that they were making me feel very off. I couldn’t focus, felt that I was truly out of control of my life and had many days of G.I. upset. My doctor insisted that I just wasn’t really trying and essentially that I was being a big baby. I took them for about two more weeks then decided to stop taking them all together. By this time a year had passed and we still hadn’t conceived I did however manage to have a period at some point in all of this. I went back to the doctor and he seemingly frustrated (what’s he got to be frustrated about?) suggested that I just have a hysterectomy to ease my symptoms. I was only 30 at the time. I finally decided to stop trying to push it and see what I could figure out on my own. “Maybe I should follow through with that diet” I thought.


     About six months later a friend of mine lent me a book called The South Beach Diet. As I read through this book I found a section that spoke about a syndrome X or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The more I read about it the more I thought this is my problem. I started to do some research online and found that it is much more common than I thought. I quickly made an appointment with my OB/GYN and brought a photocopy of the pages with me as well as some printed information from the web. I asked the doctor point blank “is this what I have? Does this sound like what is causing me so many problems?” He looked at me and handed to papers to his nurse and had her look over them, while he excused himself and walked out presumably to work with other patients who must have been in much more need as he couldn’t bother to answer my questions or treat them seriously. His nurse looked them over and said there is a strong possibility that it could be what was causing all the disruptions in my period but she couldn’t be sure as I’d need special testing done by an endocrinologist. I asked for a referral and moved on yet again to someone else’s supposedly capable hands.

     At the endocrinologists office he drew blood and had some tests run and proceeded to tell me that I do, in fact, have PCOS. Okay I can deal with a problem that has a name and asked what the next step was. He suggested some of the same medications that were given to me before. When I told him of the prior results he suggested a time release version. We tried it again with poor results and I decided to continue to work on losing weight. I went bike riding and walking and tried to watch my diet. I was getting depressed and desperate. I am typically a stress eater and wanted to eat chocolate, ice cream all kinds of sugary goodness that would get me diagnosed as diabetic quicker than the doctors said.

     As it turns out I still was not diabetic, I did manage to lose a few pounds though not much. I felt as though I was falling into a deep dark pit with no way to stop or climb out. I wanted help but couldn’t find it. It seemed that no one knew what I was going through or how to truly console me.

Who am I and what am I doing?

Hi! My name is Jen. I’d like to take a moment to introduce myself to those of you out there who might actually take a moment to read this. I am currently 37 years old, I have no children yet and I have been undergoing fertility treatments for the last 4 years. During that time I have had 4 miscarriages, 1 daughter who came at 21 ½ weeks who passed about 45 minutes after her miraculous arrival in this world. I have suffered the good, the bad and the ugly as they say. I have survived, I am hopeful and I’d like to share my experiences and eventually some of my research with any who’ll read it, and all who might need it. I am not a doctor, nurse or affiliated with any medical career you can imagine. I am just sharing whatever information I have from my own experiences and research I have performed. Thanks for taking a moment to check out what I have to say.