2nd Cycle blues

So I've gone crazy again.  I know, it's not really a long trip for me.  :)  Wednesday we went for a walk at Rose Canyon near our home and before we even really entered the park I was an emotional mess.  I was crying and angry and not really sure why.  As I talked it out with my husband I found that the prerecorded message that plays in the background of my thoughts is incredibly negative.  The things I think about myself, if someone else said them to me I would not tolerate it.  Yet it is amazing the amount of abuse I can heap upon myself.  Here is a sampling of some of the negative thoughts:

I'm a loser, I can't do anything right, I'm not losing weight fast enough, I'm not good enough, I'm ugly, and so much more. 
I hadn't realized how embedded that thinking really is.  I am frequently told by friends and family how positive I am.  This showed me how deep the negative thoughts are hidden.  I have been working on changing the message to something positive.  It will take lots more work. 

I like to think it's not so much that I am a positive person as I am a hopeful one.  I always hope for the best and look for the best outcomes.  They don't always come, but you never know the worst outcome may just be preparing you for what's to come, good or bad.  

This cycle I have lost a whopping four pounds.  I had been hoping for better.  Considering all the walking I have been doing I was sure it would be better.  I was so down in the dumps yesterday that I stayed home all day, no real walking.  I still managed to lose .4 lbs from yesterday to today.  This tells me that my body is still burning the fat while building muscle.  Today we will head off to Disneyland and get our 16,000 steps in.  (it's really easy there!) I have a brighter outlook today and hope to maintain it for the remainder of the cycle. 

I have spent so many years struggling with depression and I don't want to be sad anymore.  I know that is not realistic, but here's to finding the sunny side of life, no matter the time of day, year or weather. 

In regards to full disclosure:

I know that I haven't lost as much as I could because:

1. I haven't been drinking enough water
2. I haven't been regular about my vitamins
3. I wasn't following the plan correctly during week 1 and 2 (I needed to revisit the food list and portion control was off)
4. I wasn't getting enough sleep.

We'll see how much better I do over the next couple of weeks once I correct these problems.

Thanks for listening to me vent.  I am still looking forward to reaching my goal weight by August so that we can have that much longed for child. 

I'll write again next week.

Hugs to you all,

Jen