So I've gone crazy again. I know, it's not really a long trip for me. :) Wednesday we went for a walk at Rose Canyon near our home and before we even really entered the park I was an emotional mess. I was crying and angry and not really sure why. As I talked it out with my husband I found that the prerecorded message that plays in the background of my thoughts is incredibly negative. The things I think about myself, if someone else said them to me I would not tolerate it. Yet it is amazing the amount of abuse I can heap upon myself. Here is a sampling of some of the negative thoughts:
I'm a loser, I can't do anything right, I'm not losing weight fast enough, I'm not good enough, I'm ugly, and so much more.
I hadn't realized how embedded that thinking really is. I am frequently told by friends and family how positive I am. This showed me how deep the negative thoughts are hidden. I have been working on changing the message to something positive. It will take lots more work.
I like to think it's not so much that I am a positive person as I am a hopeful one. I always hope for the best and look for the best outcomes. They don't always come, but you never know the worst outcome may just be preparing you for what's to come, good or bad.
This cycle I have lost a whopping four pounds. I had been hoping for better. Considering all the walking I have been doing I was sure it would be better. I was so down in the dumps yesterday that I stayed home all day, no real walking. I still managed to lose .4 lbs from yesterday to today. This tells me that my body is still burning the fat while building muscle. Today we will head off to Disneyland and get our 16,000 steps in. (it's really easy there!) I have a brighter outlook today and hope to maintain it for the remainder of the cycle.
I have spent so many years struggling with depression and I don't want to be sad anymore. I know that is not realistic, but here's to finding the sunny side of life, no matter the time of day, year or weather.
In regards to full disclosure:
I know that I haven't lost as much as I could because:
1. I haven't been drinking enough water
2. I haven't been regular about my vitamins
3. I wasn't following the plan correctly during week 1 and 2 (I needed to revisit the food list and portion control was off)
4. I wasn't getting enough sleep.
We'll see how much better I do over the next couple of weeks once I correct these problems.
Thanks for listening to me vent. I am still looking forward to reaching my goal weight by August so that we can have that much longed for child.
I'll write again next week.
Hugs to you all,
Jen
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Friday, February 3, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
New Year, New Changes
Over the last ten years, and honestly longer, I have been concerned that I would not be able to get pregnant or have kids in any way. I have obviously proven some of this to be inaccurate, yet the fear persists. I will be turning 40 this year. While some of my closest friends have had their first children at 41 + years of age, I am still concerned.
So, my options are panic, give up or get to work. Honestly, I have done a bit of both panicking and have thought about giving up. On November 22, 2011 I had surgery for what we thought was a large ovarian cyst. It turned out the cyst was on the fallopian tube and so I lost the cyst and part of a tube. I thought I would lose at least one ovary, maybe both. Upon coming home from surgery I was more determined than ever to get my body into the best shape I could possibly be in to be pregnant. The week of Thanksgiving I started a diet called Healthpointe 2.0.
My mobility was limited and I could barely walk across the apartment without help from my husband. The main principles of the diet: snack, walk, watch your portion control and drink plenty of water. There is obviously more to it than that, but it is what gets me through the day. The only required exercise is walking and you are only required to to as much as you are physically able. By adding a pedometer you can actually determine if you walked more today than yesterday or how many steps you need to catch up. There are obviously no drugs involved, no pre-packaged food, and you can still eat out on most days. Each cycle is about 6 weeks long, 4 weeks of weight loss and 2 weeks of metabolic adjustment.
In my first four weeks I lost 13 lbs all while eating yummy foods. I was also still able to maintain my gluten free needs.
I am now in the first week of my second cycle and have lost 2 lbs and the week is not yet over.
My goal for the next 7 months is to lose between 70 and 100 lbs., reduce my glucose blood levels and be healthy for the next embryo transfer, which I hope will take place in October.
The exciting news for me is that over the last year I have successfully lost 45 lbs. 30 of those lbs was from switching to a gluten free lifestyle and the other 15 is from Healthpointe. My goal this cycle is to lose 20 lbs plus. I'll be very happy with losing anything but I'd really like to hit 20-23 lbs this cycle.
Today the plan is to go to the zoo or maybe the park to get some walking done. Let's see how well I do today. :) Please help by supporting me in my efforts. I know some of you do not need to lose weight and this may seem a bit cliche. My thoughts right now are if my body is healthy how could my pregnancy not be? We'll see what the future brings.
Hugs to you all for now I'll write again this week,
Jen
So, my options are panic, give up or get to work. Honestly, I have done a bit of both panicking and have thought about giving up. On November 22, 2011 I had surgery for what we thought was a large ovarian cyst. It turned out the cyst was on the fallopian tube and so I lost the cyst and part of a tube. I thought I would lose at least one ovary, maybe both. Upon coming home from surgery I was more determined than ever to get my body into the best shape I could possibly be in to be pregnant. The week of Thanksgiving I started a diet called Healthpointe 2.0.
My mobility was limited and I could barely walk across the apartment without help from my husband. The main principles of the diet: snack, walk, watch your portion control and drink plenty of water. There is obviously more to it than that, but it is what gets me through the day. The only required exercise is walking and you are only required to to as much as you are physically able. By adding a pedometer you can actually determine if you walked more today than yesterday or how many steps you need to catch up. There are obviously no drugs involved, no pre-packaged food, and you can still eat out on most days. Each cycle is about 6 weeks long, 4 weeks of weight loss and 2 weeks of metabolic adjustment.
In my first four weeks I lost 13 lbs all while eating yummy foods. I was also still able to maintain my gluten free needs.
I am now in the first week of my second cycle and have lost 2 lbs and the week is not yet over.
My goal for the next 7 months is to lose between 70 and 100 lbs., reduce my glucose blood levels and be healthy for the next embryo transfer, which I hope will take place in October.
The exciting news for me is that over the last year I have successfully lost 45 lbs. 30 of those lbs was from switching to a gluten free lifestyle and the other 15 is from Healthpointe. My goal this cycle is to lose 20 lbs plus. I'll be very happy with losing anything but I'd really like to hit 20-23 lbs this cycle.
Today the plan is to go to the zoo or maybe the park to get some walking done. Let's see how well I do today. :) Please help by supporting me in my efforts. I know some of you do not need to lose weight and this may seem a bit cliche. My thoughts right now are if my body is healthy how could my pregnancy not be? We'll see what the future brings.
Hugs to you all for now I'll write again this week,
Jen
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Back from the Depths
So it has been ages since I have written, although I have thought of you all regularly. In the last few months I have started a new job, moved into a new apartment, removed dairy from my diet, lost 20 lbs, started the adoption process and had a 10 cm cyst.
My new job has been fun and rewarding if not overly challenging. I do like it and my boss is great as are the people I work with. I'm happy I even have a job considering my husband is still looking.
We moved into our wonderful new apartment in May and although it is almost twice the size of our last one, our things still do not fit. How did that happen??? We are diligently going through the boxes and taking many trips to Good Will. We have been keeping ourselves away from Ikea (that's just too dangerous and no place to put stuff).
Sometime in July I had this great idea to remove dairy from my diet. As it is I'm kind of a pariah at work (although they do try to include me in things) when it comes to lunches and office parties. Gluten free is not always fun, but I have found ways to make it tasty. I have learned some new recipes for bread, pie crusts and other tasties. So one day after work I looked over at my husband at dinner and said "hey, how about we get rid of dairy?" You could hear the crickets chirping while he just stared at me. Don't get me wrong, my husband has always been supportive of whatever I want to do (with the exception of opening a bakery - I get cranky when I'm working on a big project in the kitchen). And as usual, he was supportive of this as well. His first words were "will you be able to function without cheese and chocolate?" My jaw fell open at that point because, I mean come on, cheese and chocolate??? I took a deep breath and thought some more about it and decided that I was worth letting go of some things. Chocolate I would find out later was not off limits. I started looking into all the things that would have to be removed from my diet and found that it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I've read lots of information about removing dairy from your diet helps with infertility issues. We'll see how that works out for me as I'm still working on being 100% dairy free. I can't help it if I love my cheese.
I have noticed that my skin has started to clear up a bit. The rosacea seems to be fading a bit with the removal of the dairy. That's definitely some good news.
Speaking of good news, my birthday was in August (not that getting old is good news) and I decided it was time for some new clothes. My old clothes were getting big on me and I thought I would check out the stores and get a few new pairs of pants and maybe a blouse or two. It turns out that I wasn't comfortable in the clothes I had because they were 2-3 sized too big. With that great news we decided to buy a scale. Not just any old scale but one that tells us our weight, bone density, water in our bodies and the amount of body fat we have. I discovered that I had lost over 20 lbs since January. Never satisfied with the status quo I have decided to push towards losing another 15 lbs by the end of October. I haven't made big changes, just lots of little ones. I started walking at lunch. I eat my lunch for half of my lunch and spend the other half walking, I take the stairs whenever I can, and swim when I can at our community pool. If it's too hot outside, I make it a point to go to an air conditioned store and walk in the refrigerator section specifically looking at vegetables and fruits. I'll keep you posted on what's happening for me in the next few months.
My husband and I have always planned on adoption, even before we had fertility problems. This June we decided to take our first step into the process. It has truly been an education. Unfortunately because of my new job I am unable to complete the classes until later in the year. I need to wait to finish out my probation before I can change my hours at work and the classes are about two hours away. I see it as a test of our commitment. We are planning to attend a Saturday class in October and then start the rest of the classes in November. While we still have embryos we are holding off on starting another cycle until I have my weight and other medical issues under control.
And so the mention of medical issues brings to mind the ten cm cyst I had apparently had. The first thought was that it might be cancerous so the ob/gyn sent me straight off to the oncologist. Of course I panicked and had a complete melt down before I even saw the oncologist. We had a list of questions to ask him and after 5 minutes with him were ready to throw it all out. Bottom line - I don't have cancer, I have a complex cyst that may actually be a functioning cyst. We agreed to wait six weeks and see if it shrinks while I'm on progesterone tablets. The ultrasound is at the end of September so I'll keep you posted about that too. That's my not so short summary of what's been going on over the last few months. I am hoping to be box free in the office here at home soon, so that I can spend more time researching information and reading books and using myself as a guinea pig to help myself and all of you better understand our options on this amazing roller coaster ride we call infertility.
Best wishes and lots of love to you all.
Jen
My new job has been fun and rewarding if not overly challenging. I do like it and my boss is great as are the people I work with. I'm happy I even have a job considering my husband is still looking.
We moved into our wonderful new apartment in May and although it is almost twice the size of our last one, our things still do not fit. How did that happen??? We are diligently going through the boxes and taking many trips to Good Will. We have been keeping ourselves away from Ikea (that's just too dangerous and no place to put stuff).
Sometime in July I had this great idea to remove dairy from my diet. As it is I'm kind of a pariah at work (although they do try to include me in things) when it comes to lunches and office parties. Gluten free is not always fun, but I have found ways to make it tasty. I have learned some new recipes for bread, pie crusts and other tasties. So one day after work I looked over at my husband at dinner and said "hey, how about we get rid of dairy?" You could hear the crickets chirping while he just stared at me. Don't get me wrong, my husband has always been supportive of whatever I want to do (with the exception of opening a bakery - I get cranky when I'm working on a big project in the kitchen). And as usual, he was supportive of this as well. His first words were "will you be able to function without cheese and chocolate?" My jaw fell open at that point because, I mean come on, cheese and chocolate??? I took a deep breath and thought some more about it and decided that I was worth letting go of some things. Chocolate I would find out later was not off limits. I started looking into all the things that would have to be removed from my diet and found that it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I've read lots of information about removing dairy from your diet helps with infertility issues. We'll see how that works out for me as I'm still working on being 100% dairy free. I can't help it if I love my cheese.
I have noticed that my skin has started to clear up a bit. The rosacea seems to be fading a bit with the removal of the dairy. That's definitely some good news.
Speaking of good news, my birthday was in August (not that getting old is good news) and I decided it was time for some new clothes. My old clothes were getting big on me and I thought I would check out the stores and get a few new pairs of pants and maybe a blouse or two. It turns out that I wasn't comfortable in the clothes I had because they were 2-3 sized too big. With that great news we decided to buy a scale. Not just any old scale but one that tells us our weight, bone density, water in our bodies and the amount of body fat we have. I discovered that I had lost over 20 lbs since January. Never satisfied with the status quo I have decided to push towards losing another 15 lbs by the end of October. I haven't made big changes, just lots of little ones. I started walking at lunch. I eat my lunch for half of my lunch and spend the other half walking, I take the stairs whenever I can, and swim when I can at our community pool. If it's too hot outside, I make it a point to go to an air conditioned store and walk in the refrigerator section specifically looking at vegetables and fruits. I'll keep you posted on what's happening for me in the next few months.
My husband and I have always planned on adoption, even before we had fertility problems. This June we decided to take our first step into the process. It has truly been an education. Unfortunately because of my new job I am unable to complete the classes until later in the year. I need to wait to finish out my probation before I can change my hours at work and the classes are about two hours away. I see it as a test of our commitment. We are planning to attend a Saturday class in October and then start the rest of the classes in November. While we still have embryos we are holding off on starting another cycle until I have my weight and other medical issues under control.
And so the mention of medical issues brings to mind the ten cm cyst I had apparently had. The first thought was that it might be cancerous so the ob/gyn sent me straight off to the oncologist. Of course I panicked and had a complete melt down before I even saw the oncologist. We had a list of questions to ask him and after 5 minutes with him were ready to throw it all out. Bottom line - I don't have cancer, I have a complex cyst that may actually be a functioning cyst. We agreed to wait six weeks and see if it shrinks while I'm on progesterone tablets. The ultrasound is at the end of September so I'll keep you posted about that too. That's my not so short summary of what's been going on over the last few months. I am hoping to be box free in the office here at home soon, so that I can spend more time researching information and reading books and using myself as a guinea pig to help myself and all of you better understand our options on this amazing roller coaster ride we call infertility.
Best wishes and lots of love to you all.
Jen
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